Prelude Consulting Limited

You know we all have to deal with difficult people in all aspects and areas of our lives. The people themselves aren’t really the problem - it is how we choose to deal with them that is the key. Do we react, or do we choose to respond? Do we manage them or choose to let them affect us?

Ultimately the trick is not to play their games, but to recognise what is at play (even if they themselves don’t!) and learn to manage the whole situation, the context.

This isn't too difficcult once you know what you’re dealing with. SO here are our typical protaginists and some tips on dealing with them. Good luck!

So who are the people?

1. The Nosey Parker
This type of person is on a mission to find out as much juicy information about you as possible. You rarely find out much about them. The nosey parker can in general be divided into 2 separate types: the ones who ask you direct questions that take you aback or the more cunning sort of NP.

This sort will start off with general chit chat, even complimenting you, this can lull you into a false sense of security as they prepare to go in for the kill. Generally, the aim is to knock you off your guard and provoke some sort of reaction from you.

2. The Manipulator
You will know you are in the presence of the Manipulator because you will feel controlled, a little like a puppet whose strings are being pulled.

The Manipulator orchestrates everything towards their own ends. There is an ulterior motive even if they appear to be doing something for you. They will use you, abuse you and drop you like a hot potato when you are no further use to them.

3. The Victim
This person is of the “poor me” variety. They tend to latch on to the nice caring person, who will take time to listen to them. They are not to be confused with someone who genuinely needs help. The world is against them. They phone you up, usually when you’re busy or watching your favourite TV programme and keep you on the telephone for ages.

You end up feeling like a sponge.

4. The Meddler
This person loves to stir things up! The technique they use is very cunning. Generally, they stir up a problem that was never actually there, especially if it involves a few people. Meddlers can be found in the workplace, classroom etc. When they’ve stirred everything up, they step back out of it. They get someone to fire the arrows for them.

5. The Parasite
This sort of person is a freeloader. They always want something from you, be it your money, your time etc. Often they will turn up at your door expecting a favour or to be fed and watered. If they borrow money from you, you rarely get it back, and if you do it’s a struggle to get it.

6. The Know It All
Whatever you do they’ve done it already and can do it better. If you’ve just tried a new recipe for something they know the magic ingredients etc; an authority on everything and very, very boring to be around.

7. The Drama King/Queen
This person loves centre stage and is prone to exaggeration and catastrophising. You will know when you are in the company of this person when you hear them relating tales to others. The things and events they describe are bigger, better or far worse than you remembered them. In fact the incident they recall sounds totally different to your perception of it.

8. The ‘wind-up merchant’
This person takes great pleasure in winding you up, by pushing the right buttons. They take great delight in watching you get upset/angry/worked up etc.

And how do I deal with them?

Broken Record
This technique involves repeating the same phrase over and over until the person realises that you are not about to change your mind.

An example of this would be if the Manipulator was your boss at work and he or she asked you to stay on and do more work. You are already tired because someone is off sick and you have been doing their job too. You could reply:

“I can’t work on this evening. I already have another commitment...” Your ‘commitment’ may only be to yourself to have a nice, relaxing evening. They don’t need to know that. They ask you again:

“Couldn’t you stay on just one extra hour to do me a favour?” You reply:

“I can’t. I have another commitment.” They try again:

“If you stay on it would be a tremendous help to me.” You reply:

“I can’t. I need to be out of here by 5.00 pm.” When they realise that you’re not about to change your mind, they usually back off by saying something like:

“Oh okay then, we’ll have to manage without you.” Don’t in any circumstances feel bad about this. Your duty is to take care of yourself and your own needs. You can also use this technique when the parasite asks for a loan of money: “I never lend anyone money...”

Ping Pong
Putting the ball back in their court; this technique involves turning things around by knocking the person off guard by batting back the ball (invasive question) to them.

This works well with the Nosey Parker. For instance, suppose they ask you a personal question e.g.:

“Why did your parents divorce?” Then you could say something back like:

“There’s an awful lot of divorce around these days, has anyone in your family ever got divorced?” Chances are there will be someone. If the reply is “No,” say something like:

“How long have you been married for?” Get the subject onto them. This is a way of diverting the spotlight off you and a subject that may be painful for you, that you have no wish to share.

Cutting them dead
This works well with the Nosey Parker, Meddler and the Victim.

For instance, someone asks you: “What were you left in the will?” You reply:

“It’s all in the hands of the solicitor.”

In the case of the Meddler they may ask something like:
“What did you think of so and so getting promotion?” If you get the impression they are stirring it, reply something like:

“I bet he/she was delighted.” If they don’t get the response they want, they may try again.

“But he/she doesn’t have the experience...” (They are baiting you here!) You reply:

“Well the interviewer obviously thought they did.”

In the case of the Victim, they may phone you up with all their woes. This type of person will take up your time, leaving you feeling drained. The best thing to do with this sort is to always have something you are just about to do. Say something like:

“That’s terrible, you must be feeling awful. I have got to go now to take a bath/go out/answer the door etc. By doing this you’ve sympathised, but are not giving them all your valuable time.

Changing the subject
This can work well with the Know It All, Drama King/Queen, Nosey Parker and Wind Up Merchant.

Supposing the Know It All is boring you with how he/she goes about doing something in a particular fashion e.g. you could say something like:

“You really are so clever being able to stuff a turkey 40 different ways. Speaking of Turkey I’m thinking of going there on holiday this year...”

In the case of the Drama King/Queen you could say something like:
“Fancy you having to be rescued by 5 fire fighters (you know full well this is exaggeration). Speaking of fire fighters did you see the film Backdraft last week?”

With the Nosey Parker they say:
“How much are you earning a month?” You reply:

“Speaking of salaries did you hear how much the Queen/Michael Jackson/Madonna gets?” The Wind Up Merchant starts making you angry by saying something like:

“You’re hopeless at housework. I’ve seen better kept pig sties...” You reply:

“Speaking of pigs, I think I’ll make a bacon sandwich...”

Setting your boundaries
By using these techniques regularly, you are maintaining your boundaries. If someone like the Nosey Parker knows you’re not easy to get information from, the Manipulator can’t control you, the Victim can’t latch on to you, the Meddler can’t stir you up, the Parasite can’t feed off you, the Know it all can’t bore you rigid, the Drama King/Queen take centre stage or the Wind Up Merchant upset you, they will inevitably give up.

By realising that you have been a player in a game gives you the edge so that you can withdraw from it, protecting yourself and your own interests.